- Before you had written The Beach, what other writing experiences had you had? Any prior manuscripts you tried to get published?

I wrote a whole novel before The Beach. Unpublishable. Junk. But, for some reason I stuck at novels and wrote a second. Still not sure why I didn’t give up. Stubborn, maybe. Prior to that, I had written & drawn many comic strips. Mainly a lot of Freak Brothers/Crumb rip offs. Stuff that gave the impression that I had taken more LSD than I actually had. Later, I started trying to write & draw extended strips that had proper narratives. In fact, the first version of The Beach was a 62 page comic strip (62 pages because Tintin books were always 62 pages).

- I’m interested in the way that your hero’s interest in video and computer games feeds «The Beach’s» subtext. That felt new to me, the way you used the games to color the way this intelligent man looks at the world.

That (video) culture is my culture. Given that there is an element of autobiography here, or at least some documentation of a kind of sensibility of my peer group, those things are bound to find their way in there.

- «The Beach» is one of the few novels I’ve read in which a character admits an addiction to video games without at the same time mocking them or treating them ironically.

Well, there may be plenty to mock. But if a completely unironic passion for video games comes through in the book, it’s because I play video games. I’ve played them since I was 8 years old. I enjoy them – I still do. In fact, I was playing one when I got on the telephone (laughs). To tell you the truth, I’m reminded of one of the things that always used to piss me off about pop art. Roy Liechtenstein used to always really annoy me because he’d be using popular culture, he’d be doing this thing about a comic strip, but there’d be something ironic about it. It bothered me that it wasn’t really an appreciation of a comic strip – it was much more that, because he was this fine artist, it was he who was doing something that was elevating it to the level of art, by his ironic appreciation of it. Well, he can go fuck himself (laughs). He could have just taken the comic strip as an art form in its own right, and put those things up on a wall, instead of congratulating himself by recognizing some kind of special worth in popular culture. So personally, if I were writing about video games, I wouldn’t want to fall into that pop art trap. Because I genuinely like these things for exactly what they are. And there’s nothing ironic about it at all – I think they’re great.

- I read somewhere that you started writing because you were panicked – your friends all had careers and you didn’t.

I went to university, and I did a degree, but it was one that wouldn’t lead on to anything. And I’m not really very academic, so I didn’t do very well at university anyway. When I came to the end of my university career, my younger brother, who hadn’t gone to university, he’d already got himself a job. Friends of mine had studied law and they were going to be lawyers. They were going to have some kind of career, and I didn’t have anything. And I thought, Jesus, what am I going to do when I leave university? And in fact I didn’t do anything, for a few months, after I left. I started writing toward the end of university, but it didn’t become serious and dedicated until sometime after.

- Does writing come easily for you? You seem like something of a natural.

No, I find it really hard. I mean, I sweat over things. I get obsessive about how many times I’ve used «but» in a paragraph, all that sort of stuff. The thing about it is, although I’d love to be a natural, I really do work like a dog over it. I do have a background that’s worth mentioning: My dad’s a cartoonist, and I always thought I was going to end up doing cartoons. I used to draw comic strips constantly, so I picked up a lot about how to construct a narrative by that. And actually I think that this comes through in the book, in as much that it’s quite cinematic, and comic strips are quite cinematic — the length of chapters, and the speed with which the plot moves, and that kind of thing. So it is my background in one kind of way.

- Do you smoke as much as the book’s hero, Richard?

I actually smoke more than Richard.

- What’s it like to read, in British Vogue, the following quote: «The Beach is the book to have; it’s author, Alex Garland, is the man to have«?

Oh, it’s completely fucking ridiculous. Of course it is. I mean, it’s sort of nice for no other reason than to show your friends and you have a laugh over it. But I am acutely aware that it’s daft. So Vogue calls me the man to have for the next 30 seconds and that’s it. So what’s the point?

- At the reading, you spoke about your love for comic books and graphic novels. Being a big comic nut myself, I’d love to hear how they inspire you. List some of your favorite writers, artists and titles too.

Daniel Clowes, Robert Crumb, Chris Ware, Gilbert Hernandez, Peter Bagge, George Herriman, Herge. They inspire me totally and endlessly. They give me the confidence to do what I want, and I get more of that confidence from them than from any novelists or film-makers.

- While we’re on the topic of favorites, tell me some of your favorite movies.

Badlands, Alien, Third Man, Apocaplypse Now, Godfather 1&2, Taxi Driver, 2001, Clockwork Orange, Jaws, Starship Troopers, Donnie Darko, Dawn of the Dead, Blade Runner, Empire Strikes Back… With films, I could go on and on. I’ve just thought of several that I like more than some I’ve mentioned… but then I’ll get obsessive about compiling the list, and that will be the rest of my day GONE, so I’ll leave it at this.

- How about some favorite books/writers too?

JG Ballard, Kazuo Ishiguro, JD Salinger, James Fenton, Graham Greene, Varlam Shalamov, John le Carre.

- What’s your view on authors becoming celebrities, touring like crazy, and doing all the basic PR stuff that goes with it?

Mmm… I don’t much like author tours and PR. I’ve made a balance, which is I do enough PR to keep the publishers happy and not get a reputation for being a recluse (which can be counter productive), but I don’t do so much that I get famous. And it has more or less worked. I’m not famous. When I walk down the road, or into a book shop, nobody recognises me. And that’s great.

But being publicity shy has also kind of backfired. For the last few years there was this rumour in the UK that I had writer’s block. But because I wasn’t doing any publicity, I couldn’t contradict it, so the rumour grew, and became accepted as fact. It got so crazy that there were actually headlines in British newspapers about it. One paper even ran an ‘interview’ about my block, with totally invented quotes and a photo of me that was four or five years old.

This shit meant that when The Coma came out in the UK, the book was almost always reviewed within the context of this non-existent writer’s block. Like it was RESPONSE to writer’s block Some reviewers even said the book was ABOUT writer’s block. Drove me crazy! The book was about a coma! It said so on the cover! And it was a hybrid between a comic book and a novel! How can you tell? Because what the fuck else could it be? Look at the pictures, you mother fuckers! And now I’m ranting. Stupid, because no one gives a shit except me. Anyway. Yeah. Public life is bullshit.

- Okay, time to get studious now. Talk about your method. Do you outline your novels first? Write them longhand and then type them after? Do you workshop them with other writers like Chuck does? Are you a chronic, obsessed re-drafter and editor? Gimme the goods!

For the last few years, I have taken to writing down a first story outline on a single sheet of A4 paper. I don’t usually do use more notes than that. The next step is just to start the story. Write the first line, then the second, etc. I write on a word processor – Word for prose, Final Draft for scripts. I’m an obsessed editor. I like to pare stuff down. I delete most of what I write. I rewrite a great deal. I don’t read prose fiction while I write prose fiction. So, I can easily go a year without reading any fiction. But I do watch films while writing scripts.

- Learning what you have learned, what sort of advice would you give to first time writers?

Show people your stuff, listen carefully to their responses, but ultimately don’t value anyone’s opinion above your own. Be influenced by writers you dislike as well as writers you like. Read their stuff to figure out what’s wrong. Find a balance between the confidence that allows you continue, and the self-critical facility that enables you to improve. Get the balance wrong on either side, and you’re screwed.

«Though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am the evilest motherfucker in the valley.»

«If I’d learnt one thing from travelling, it was that the way to get things done was to go ahead and do them. Don’t talk about going to Borneo. Book a ticket, get a vida, pack a bag, and it just happens.»

«Normally, small talk is enough for me to form an opinion of someone. I make quick judgments, often completely wrong, and then stick by them rigidly.»

«There’s this saying: in an all-blue world, colour doesn’t exist… If something seems strange, you question it; but if the outside world is too distant to use as a comparison then nothing seems strange.»

«Of course witnessing poverty was the first to be ticked off the list. Then I had to graduate to the more obscure stuff. Being in a riot was something I pursued with a truly obsessive zeal, along with being tear-gassed and hearing gunshots fired in anger.»

«You fish, swim, eat, laze around, and everyone’s so friendly. It’s such simple stuff, but… If i could stop the world and restart life, put the clock back, i think I’d restart it like this. For everyone.»

This dominance, in turn, allowed Nintendo of America to establish a series of policies and conventions regarding video game content that quickly became the unquestioned industry standard.

Nintendo of America’s policies of strict video game «censorship» have become one of the infamous tactics of this period. While often overlooked back in the day, the rise of ROMS, especially Japanese ROMs, have exposed many gamers to numerous examples of Nintendo censorship in practice. References to smoking or sex may have been removed from the Japanese version of a game prior to its release in the United States, while other games with potentially offensive content may simply have not been released at all. Although Nintendo’s censorship practices have often been condemned as inconsistent, or at worst hypocritical, they actually stem from a document that outlines the rules in explicit detail.

Nintendo of America’s Video Game Content Guidelines

Nintendo of America’s priority is to deliver high quality video game entertainment for our customers. When those customers are children, parental involvement in their game playing is recommended. Nintendo is concerned that our products do not contain material that society as a whole deems unacceptable.

Consequently, since 1988 we have consistently tested the content of all games developed for Nintendo systems against our evolving game standards. As our business has matured, we have adapted our guidelines to meet the concerns of the members of our target age group and their parents. Although we realize that definitions of social, cultural and political views are highly subjective, we will continue to provide consumers with entertainment that reflects the acceptable norms of society.

The following Game Content Guidelines are presented for assistance in the development of authorized game paks (i.e., both Nintendo and licensee game paks) by defining the type of content and themes inconsistent with Nintendo’s corporate and marketing philosophy. Although exceptions may be made to preserve the content of a game, Nintendo will not approve games for the NES, Game Boy or Super NES systems (i.e., audio-visual work, packaging, and instruction manuals) which:

• (1) include sexually suggestive or explicit content including rape and/or nudity;
• (2) contain language or depiction which specifically denigrates members of either sex;
• (3) depict random, gratuitous, and/or excessive violence;
• (4) depict graphic illustration of death;
• (5) depict domestic violence and/or abuse;
• (6) depict excessive force in a sports game beyond what is inherent in actual contact sports;
• (7) reflect ethnic, religious, nationalistic, or sexual stereotypes of language; this includes symbols that are related to any type of racial, religious, nationalistic, or ethnic group, such as crosses, pentagrams, God, Gods (Roman mythological gods are acceptable), Satan, hell, Buddha;
• (8) use profanity or obscenity in any form or incorporate language or gestures that could be offensive by prevailing public standards and tastes;
• (9) incorporate or encourage the use of illegal drugs, smoking materials, and/or alcohol (Nintendo does not allow a beer or cigarette ad to be placed on an arena, stadium or playing field wall, or fence in a sports game);
• (10) include subliminal political messages or overt political statements.

Nintendo of America maintained a tight control over game content by insisting that every video game produced by a third-party publisher be pre-screened and approved by NOA censors before release. If a game, manual, or box contained inappropriate material, it was sent back to the licensee for revision. Because Nintendo of Japan had no such content guidelines, often the most intense period of revision occurred when NOA was translating an imported title from Japanese to English.

Rule 1 – «Nintendo will not approve games that … include sexually suggestive or explicit content including rape and/or nudity»

When it comes to matters of sex, the Japanese are a fair bit more liberal – at least in terms of their definition of what constitutes offensively «explicit» material. This, coupled with the fact that in Japan video games are often marketed towards adults as well as children, led to the creation of many games which included sexual content that Nintendo deemed unacceptable for American audiences.

Game characters that appeared nude in a Japanese version were clothed, and even nudity in artwork was not allowed. Similarly, in many cases the skimpy outfits and generous cleavage of female characters were been graphically toned down prior to a US release.

Sex and sex acts were not allowed to be performed, mentioned, or alluded to. The worst offenders are RPGs, which in Japan are among the most popular titles for adults. One fairly well-known example is Final Fantasy 6/3, which in the Japanese version featured a stripper, while in the American version featured a much less provocative «dancer». Statements in which characters use double entendres or allude to promiscuity or homosexuality were likewise deleted. I believe there were also more than a couple situations in which overtly homosexual characters were massively retooled for a US release.

Rule 2 -»Nintendo will not approve games that .. contain language or depictions which specifically denigrates members of either sex»

Video games are often accused of being a somewhat sexist medium, always placing males in the hero role while making women characters weak and submissive. This allegation is not without a basis in reality. As well as often playing the role of «damsel in distress» many female video game characters are scantily-clad and overly sexualized. Though a lot of this content gets into the US unchanged, there have been occasions when the depictions of women in certain titles cross the line between «sexualized» and «denigrating».

Again, much of this has to do with Japanese cultural differences regarding gender relations. Video games in Japan have traditionally been designed for an overwhelmingly male audience, which in general possess a far more chauvinistic culture than the West. NOA by contrast is pressured by the concerns of contemporary American society to provide positive female images and even «role models» in its games.

Fighting games, for instance often had female characters who became more «covered up» in the American release, showing less cleavage and in the hopes they’d be viewed as less demeaning or objectifying. In some cases female «enemy» characters in violent games were even replaced by males, in an attempt to show dignity towards women. Such actions are very closely related to the Rule 1, which forbids «sexually suggestive» material.

Rule 3 – «depict random, gratuitous, and/or excessive violence»

Nintendo had very strict guidelines regarding what was and was not «acceptable» violence. Essentially, violence had to be committed in a proper context against a proper opponent. Punching and kicking, as well as the use of weapons such as swords and knives were all allowed, but could only be used offensively against the game’s armed enemies. Civilian or friendly characters could not be attacked, nor could innocent animals. Guns were usually only allowed to be used against robots, or non-human creatures, such as aliens or zombies.

More significant however were the rules regarding how death, and the description of death were allowed to be portrayed in Nintendo games. Unlike PC games of the time, when enemies were killed in Nintendo games their corpses usually vanished quickly, and did not lie around on the floor forever. The implication was that these characters were not really «dead» but were simply being «eliminated» from the game’s universe in the same way pieces are «eliminated» from a Chess board during play.

This went along with Nintendo’s other key policy regarding death in games, namely that the words «death» «die» «kill» or «killed» were never to be used, unless in a non-violent context. Thus, Nintendo game manuals and texts of the time never say «Mario must kill the Goombas» but rather «Mario must defeat the Goombas.» Though players usually refer to their character’s number of «lives,» official game texts tend to refer to these as «tries» or «chances.»

Euphemistic as they may be, clever language was an effective way of toning down the perception of violence in Nintendo games.

Rule 4 – «graphic illustration of death»

In most cases, what this rule amounted to in practice is the sweeping removal of visible blood and «gore» from games. If a character is shot, blood could not spew from his torso, nor could intestines fly out, or anything of that nature.

from sweat to blood

This strict «no blood» policy came to an embarrassing climax following the SNES release of Mortal Kombat in 1992. Mortal Kombat had been one of the most violent games in the arcade, with wall-to-wall blood and guts. Far from being repelling, the graphic violence was actually one of the chief sources of its appeal. When the game was released on the SNES however, in coordination with Nintendo’s content guidelines all the blood had to be removed. Instead, when the characters smacked each other gray blobs of «sweat» flew out of their bodies – a rather awkward compromise. As well, the gory «fatality» moves, in which characters could formally execute their opponents with such acts as decapitating them or ripping out their heart, were all removed. The game was a huge commercial failure for Nintendo compared to the success of the uncensored Sega Genesis version, and the episode is credited with promoting a significant shift in Nintendo’s attitudes towards video game violence.

When Mortal Kombat 2 was released for the SNES it gave the user the option of «turning off» the appearance of blood and gore. The fatality moves were included, but so were several non-violent finishing moves, such as the «friendship» moves in which instead of executing your opponent you could give him a present or do a little dance. Though the «friendship» moves were present in the game’s arcade and Sega versions as well, some have argued the underlying absurdity was clearly intended as a subtle mocking self-reference to the previous NOA controversy.

Rule 5 -»domestic violence and/or abuse»

There is not generally a whole lot of domestic violence in video games due to the simple fact that most video games do not take place in a domestic setting. However, I know at least one situation in which an element of a Japanese game was «softened» for the US release because of domestic abuse overtones. At one point in the Japanese RPG Mother 2 a father character punishes his two children for coming home late. He takes them off-screen, and this noise is heard. If you talk to one of the children afterwards, he complains that his «butt hurts.» When Mother 2 was translated into Earthbound in the US, the «abusive» sound affect was changed to this, which is the sound effect the game uses to represent «yelling.» When you talk to the kid after, instead of complaining about his butt, he whines that his dad took away his desert privileges. (Sounds care of Mother 2 to Earthbound)

Rule 6 -»excessive force in a sports game»

Most sports games are made within the United States. As a result, the designers would most likely be developing the game with Nintendo’s censorship policies already in mind. I have not seen any evidence of a sports game being censored because of its «excessive force.»

Rule 7 – «reflect ethnic, religious, nationalistic, or sexual stereotypes of language»

I assume this means that racial or cultural slurs are not to be used in Nintendo games, although I have yet to find any serious instances of this rule being evoked. Games that feature a lot of dialogue, such as RPGs, usually take place in fantasy settings that don’t feature characters from real-world races and ethnic groups.
One possible instance of this rule in action may have occurred during the transfer of Punch Out! from arcade to the NES. The arcade version of Punch Out! featured a Russian character named «Vodka Drunkenski.» In the NES version his name was changed to «Soda Popinski.» Although it seems clear that the primary motivation for this change was Rule 9, which forbids liquor references, it’s also possible that the name was changed at least partially motivated by a desire to tone down the character’s image as a stereotypical Russian drunk.

This is one of the most infamous of all the rules. Since this rule deals with the occurrence of various visual symbols, instances in which this rule is implemented are very obvious to anyone who has played the censored and un-censored version of a game.

A hospital in the Japanese version of Earthbound (Mother 2) and the modified American version

First-Aid kits / Hospital settings. The «Red Cross» is the international symbol of medicine and first aid. It is the logo of the International Federation of the Red Cross, which is a global, non-government emergency assistance organization. It is based out of Switzerland, and as a result, the logo is an inverted version of the Swiss flag. The logo cannot be said to have heavily Christian overtones, although it is worth noting that in Muslim nations, a red crescent is substituted for the cross logo.

Regardless, the simple fact that the Red Cross logo is a cross has resulted in its removal from many games. Many action games feature «Health Kits» that can be collected to recover health points to the player. Usually, these are modeled to resemble First-Aid kits, and thus are emblazoned with a prominent red cross. Following Nintendo revisions, however, the cross was usually changed to a heart. If a game featured a hospital setting, all Red Crosses were removed from the building as well.

The crosses on the tombstones in Ducktales were changed to «RIP» for the US release

Cemeteries are traditionally home to a fair bit of religious imagery. In many western countries cross-shaped tombstones are common, and almost synonymous with death. Think of the vast World War 2 cemeteries in Europe, for example. In many Nintendo titles cross-bearing tombstones had to be modified.

Interestingly, though religious icons are specifically banned by Nintendo’s guidelines, religious institutions and figures are not. Many role-playing games feature church settings that are important to the storyline. While these churches are unquestionably Christian, all Christian imagery is removed to comply with Nintendo’s regulations. As well, the term «church» is often substituted with a more neutral term such as «sanctuary» or «chapel.»

Other than in churches, few games actually feature crosses in a Christian context. One notable exception would be the Castlevania series which involves Vampire slaying. In the game’s original version vampire-killing crosses were part of the hero’s weapons arsenal, but even these were censored by NOA. In the US version boomerangs were now used to kill Dracula.

Strangely enough, devils have been permitted to appear in Nintendo games, but are never allowed to be referred to as such. Instead, horned creatures were always given names such as «imps» or «demons.» Even the «Yellow Devil» character in Megaman was renamed the «Rock Monster,» despite the fact that he bore no resemblance to a traditional Christian devil.

The Swatiskas on the Nazi flags in Bionic Commando were changed to equally Germanic eagles

There are several other examples of substitutions of religious terminology. In the Secret of Mana the «Hell Hound» character was given the laughable name of «Heck Hound» for the US release. Likewise, in Final Fantasy 3 the «Holy» magic spell was renamed «Pearl» to remove the religious overtones.

Though much less prevalent than crosses, several games originally featured appearances by various hate groups, whose presence in turn brings with them various symbols of racial, religious, or ethnic intolerance. Most common were Nazis. Even if a game used Nazis in a historical setting or context (such as a World War 2 themed game), the party’s Swastika logo was never allowed to be shown. Adolph Hitler, it appears, was also considered to be among the banned «symbols.»

The NES game Bionic Commando had a very different start in Japan, where it was called Top Secret: The Resurrection of Hitler. Originally, the game’s plot centered around a group of Neo-Nazis who were trying to resurrect Hitler in order to complete their sinister plan for global terror. When the game came to America, the basic plot stayed the same except Nazis became «The BADDs» and Hitler became «Master D.» Swastikas were edited out, but Hitler’s appearance remained unchanged, even in his graphic death scene.

A Hitler poster in the PC version versus a poster of the «Staatsmeister» in the SNES one

Wolfenstien 3D was a popular first-person shooter for the PC. You control some sort of vigalante-type who is storming a castle full of Neo-Nazis, eventually doing battle with Hitler himself. The game’s Nazi references were all carefully edited for the SNES port. Hitler’s name was changed to «Staatmeister» and all Swastikas were deleted, creating a castle full of plain red flags.

Sometimes the risk that a certain character or icon could be accidentally perceived as a hateful symbol was enough to warrant a change. Consider the example on the left, in which the «Insane Cultist» character from Earthbound had his appearance»softened» so he would less resemble a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

Rule 8 – «use profanity or obscenity in any form»

Nintendo’s decision to ban swearing from games has not been particularly controversial, nor has it led to any particularly notable instances of censorship. Usually the only games that feature enough character dialogue to contain the odd swear word are RPG’s, and even then the swears have usually been insignificant enough to remove without altering the larger context. It’s often said that Japanese society is so polite they don’t even have swear words. While this is only partially true, the fact that swears are not a huge component of Japanese speech have traditionally made NOA’s translation efforts fairly easy in this regard.

One specific incident of swear removal I can remember was in the Who Framed Roger Rabbit? game for the NES and Game Boy. The bad guys in the film were the weasels, who each had adjective names describing their personality, such as «Psycho,» «Stupid,» «Greasy», etc. One of them was named «Smart Ass» but in the Nintendo game his name was changed to the less-offensive «Smarty.»

Offensive hand gestures are rare in video games, but still occasionally appear, even in Nintendo’s own games, as you can see in the example on the right.

Rule 9 – «the use of illegal drugs, smoking materials, and/or alcohol»

Even in Japan, rampant use of illegal drugs is not exactly common in video games. The only instance where drugs were censored from a game that I am aware of occurred in Final Fantasy Legend II. In the original version, a gang of criminals were smuggling large quantities of opium. In the American version, they were smuggling bananas, which I suppose is just as evil.

What is more common, however is the use of tobacco. Whenever a character was smoking, the cigarette or cigar always had to be edited out before the game could be released in the US.

Casual alcohol use in games was also common in many Japanese releases. Games would frequently feature «bar» settings which had to be modified for American gamers. Usually, bars were converted to less-offensive «cafes» and references to beer were changed to «pop,» «soda,» or «coffee.»

Rule 10 – «subliminal political messages or overt political statements»

I don’t think the Japanese know enough about American political culture to be able to include «subliminal» political messages, let alone overt ones, that would affect US audiences. So I am not aware of any specific instances in which this rule was evoked.

I have long wondered about a certain never released US-made game, however. It was called Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill, and was a game where you controlled President Clinton’s cat as he ventured around Washington trying to find the missing constitution, or some such thing. Anyway, the bosses in this game were all caricatures of Republicans, such as George Bush and Richard Nixon. That fact raised a few eyebrows. In a pre-release review of the game, Nintendo Power magazine openly questioned the point of including such figures as bosses, and described their presence as being potentially controversial. I suspect it may have had something to do with the fact the game was ultimately canned.

Epilogue: By the mid-90′s, Nintendo’s censorship practices were increasingly becoming both an embarrassment and a financial liability. Nintendo was earning a reputation as being a «kiddy» company that was both too patronizing and immature for older gamers.

A blessing of sorts came in 1994, when the Entertainment Software Rating Board was founded. From henceforth, all video games would be subject to an ESRB rating prior to their commercial release. A «K-A» rating would signify a game was appropriate for all ages, «T» would mean it was for kids over 13, and «M» would mean it was intended for adults. The ratings were given based on an independent panel’s analysis of content such as violence, language, and adult situations. The ESRB ratings allowed Nintendo to gradually relax their censorship practices, for now they could legitimately argue that their games were being targeted to specific age groups, rather than «children» as a whole.

Today, Nintendo of America does not actively censor the games released on their systems, except in extreme circumstances. Games such as the infamous Conker’s Bad Fur Day, which include swearing, blood, and sex are now openly published under the Nintendo banner, as long as they carry with them a «M for Mature Gamers» rating. When censorship does occur today, it occurs mostly at the «first party» level; that is to say Nintendo censoring their own games, but not the games produced by other companies. The reason for this is because Nintendo of America still largely markets their titles towards a youth market, and in some cases in order to win an «E for everyone» rating from the ESRB the company must remove a few offensive articles from a Japanese edition before its US release.

Other Japanese companies may occasionally follow suit, and «soften» their games before releasing them in the United States, with the hopes that doing so will make them attractive for a larger consumer audience. Overall however, censorship of video game content is far less widespread today than ever before, and when it does occur it is almost universally a voluntary practice driven by economic/marketing concerns, and not the heavy-handed moralizing of Nintendo of America.

«Mystery is solving a problem, not gunplay and fights and car chases.» — VINCENT PRICE

«You sure don’t look like a policeman.» — MRS. WALTERS (KATE REID)

«This is a murder now, and I kind of figure that’s my department.» − LIEUTENANT COLUMBO

«I always figured that Columbo was full of it in the best sense of the term,» said writer Steven Bochco. «Nothing came out of his mouth by accident. It always was carefully calculated. He didn’t even cough by accident.» Peter Falk confirms that interpretation. Ask him about specifics and he responds, «Oh, I’m not going to talk about that. That’s the beauty of it. Everyone can think about what the wife should look like. Did he have children? Did he have one? Did he have ten? That’s up to them to decide. You never know when Columbo is genuine. I tried to play it so you could never tell whether the politeness was part of his nature or part of his act. Let the viewers decide. You always have that ambiguity. Almost everything he does can be taken two ways. A lot of what he says he might be making up while he’s sitting having chili somewhere.» With that warning in mind, let’s look at what we know about Columbo. After all, often we hear him talking to his wife when there is no need for an act. Sometimes he reveals something about himself when there is no reason for lying. Lieutenant Columbo was born and raised in New York City. Located near Chinatown, the Columbo household included the future policeman’s Italian grandfather, parents, five brothers and sister. His father wore glasses and did the cooking when his mother was in the hospital having another baby. His grandfather let him stomp the grapes when they made wine in the cellar. He is Italian on both sides.

Columbo’s father, who never made more than $5,000 a year, taught him how to play pool, an obsession that stuck with the future detective. Hardly a model child, Columbo broke street lamps, played pinball and ran with a crowd of boys that enjoyed a good prank. His boyhood hero was Joe DiMaggio, although he liked gangster pictures. During high school, he dropped chemistry and took wood shop. While he dated a girl named Theresa in high school, he also met his future wife at this time. After serving in the Army during the Korean War, Columbo joined the New York police force and was assigned to the 12th Precinct. He trained under Sergeant Gilhooley, a genial Irishman who tried to teach him the noble game of darts. He moved to Los Angeles in 1958 (better substantiate that one: in «Requiem for a Falling Star,» shot in 1972, Columbo says that he has been in Los Angeles for fourteen years).

Columbo drives an ancient Peugeot (license plate 044 APD). He doesn’t carry a gun. He’s a poor shot. He’s easily winded. Columbo doesn’t like great heights, flying, needles, elevators, the sight of blood, guns. He is prone to air sickness and seasickness. He has allergies. He needs eight hours of sleep. He is frugal (a family trait) and compulsive about little details. He is not good with numbers. He likes pool, cooking, limericks, bowling, Westerns, Italian opera, Strauss waltzes, golf, classical music and football on television. It is normal for his blood pressure to be a little low. Little things keep him awake at night and he likes to bounce ideas off his wife. He goes bowling when depressed. Mysteries relax him, but he can’t figure them out. He can’t hold on to a pencil. His favorite song is «This Old Man.» In 1972, he made $11,000 a year. His parents and his grandfather, who wore dentures, are dead.

His very favorite food is chili (with crackers), which he eats for lunch between games of pool at a greasy spoon called Burt’s. Columbo also loves coffee and drinks it black. His breakfast usually consists of coffee and a hard-boiled egg. Other favorite foods and beverages include hot dogs (charred), seafood («anything that comes out of the sea»), root beer, hamburgers, raisins, candy bars, malts, ginger ale and cream soda. He likes beer. He’s been known to drink both scotch and bourbon whiskey. He prefers red wine to white. Cooking is a hobby. He speaks Italian and a little Spanish (he took it in high school). He can’t swim. The Columbos have children but the exact number is not certain (really better substantiate this one: he mentions children in «The Most Crucial Game,» «Any Old Port in a Storm» and «Mind Over Mayhem»). They also have a basset hound named Dog.

Columbo outlines the closest thing he has to a code in «The Bye-Bye Sky High I.Q. Murder Case»: «You know, sir, it’s a funny thing. All my life I kept running into smart people. In school, there were lots of smarter kids. And when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there. And I could tell right away that it wasn’t going to be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured that if I worked harder than they did—put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open—maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.»

Less reliable than all of this is the chronicle of Columbo relatives. If he is to be believed, the lieutenant has a sister who likes modern furniture, a nearly perfect cousin Ralph, a nephew who wears contact lenses, a brother-in-law named George, a niece named Marilyn (his wife’s sister’s girl, who got divorced and remarried a cop with six kids), a father-in-law who loves Western movies, a brother-in-law who’s a lawyer, a brother-in-law who loves photography, a brother-in-law in the National Guard, a brother-in-law who’s a waiter, an uncle who played bagpipes with the Shriners, a cousin in Albany who wears thick glasses and plays chess, a nephew majoring in dermatology at UCLA, a brother who’s thirty-eight and still has his high school sneakers, an uncle who drove a bus until he made a killing in real estate, a cousin and a brother-in-law who run an auto body shop in the Valley, nieces who like rock music, a sisterin-law who drinks, a nephew who is a champion weightlifter and needlepointer, a nephew who wants to be an accountant, a teenage nephew who wants to be a director and a mother-in-law in Fresno.

Peter Falk remains very proud of the fact that Columbo became an international hit. Distributed around the world, the sloppy lieutenant was a hero in several countries. «It’s a very good image for America around the world,» the actor said. «It’s a nonviolent show. There’s no cheap sex in it. It has a main character who does not rely on force, fighting, shooting and car chases. You’re not wiping out forty people a second, so death means nothing.» Columbo was described as «TV’s cult hero» in Great Britain. He was a runaway hit in Russia. And the series became a national obsession in Japan. Actor Yves Montand told Bill Link that Columbo was his favorite program. Film director Federico Fellini has left dinner parties to catch Columbo episodes.

Mrs. Columbo reads constantly. She loves crossword puzzles, Ann Landers, African violets, opera, classical, country and rock music. She loves having a good time and can get very loud when carried away. She gives her husband a pencil every morning. She has a proverb for every occasion. She would prefer her husband take up a pipe, but he can’t get used to it.

CLASSIC COLUMBO LINES
This is a compendium of the Columbo wit and wisdom. If some of it sounds repetitive, well . . .

Lieutenant Columbo, portrayed by Peter Falk by 04

«Gee, you don’t have a pencil, do you? Thanks. You know, my wife, she gives me one every morning and I just can’t seem to hold on to it.» \\ «Oh, one more thing . . .» \\ «There’s one detail that bothers me . . .» \\ «I seem to be making a pest of myself.» — Prescription: Murder (1968)

«You’ve got some beautiful place here.» \\ «Do you have a pen?» \\ «I worry. I mean, little things bother me. I’m a worrier. I mean, little insignificant details — I lose my appetite. I can’t eat. My wife, she says to me, `You know, you can really be a pain.» — Ransom for a Dead Man (1971)

«There’s just one thing I’m not clear about.» \\ «I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you. . . . I’m making a pest of myself. . . . It’s because I keep asking these questions, but, I tell you, I can’t help myself.» \\ «Do you have a match?» — Murder by the Book (1971)

«Gotta match?» \\ «After a while, the old nose just tells you when someone’s not giving you the truth.» \\ «That bothered me.» \\ «Sorry I bothered ya’.» — Death Lends a Hand (1971)

«Say, you got a beautiful place here.» \\ «Gotta match?» \\ «Oh, one thing I almost forgot . .» \\ «There are a couple of loose ends I’d like to tie up. Nothing important, you understand.» — Dead Weight (1971)

«I’ll tell ya’ what’s botherin’ me.» \\ «Oh, listen, one more thing . . .» \\ «I get bugged by those little things.» — Suitable for Framing (1971)

«There were a couple of points that were bothering me.» \\ «I have this bug about tying up loose ends.» \\ «Just one more thing.» — Lady in Waiting (1971)

«I didn’t mean to interrupt like this and barge in.» \\ «There are other things.» \\ «Do you have a lighter?» — Blueprint for Murder (1972)

«That’s me. I’m paranoid. Every time I see a dead body, I think it’s been murdered.» \\ «Terrific place.» \\ «Do you have a match?» \\ «Beautiful place you have here.» \\ «I hate to keep bothering you people.» \\ «Oh, listen, just one more thing.» — Etude in Black (1972)

«I’m in lousy shape.» \\ «That bothered me. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t sleep last night.» — The Most Dangerous Match (1973)

«Well, there are a couple of things that bother me.» \\ «I’m sorry about being untidy. I’m just like that. I just can’t correct that. I’m just very untidy. It’s just my nature.» \\ «I have never met a cop with flat feet.» — Double Shock (1973)

«I’m sorry, forgive me. I didn’t mean to intrude.» \\ «Oh, listen, there’s one other thing I wanted to ask you about.» — Lovely but Lethal (1973)

«You don’t have a pencil, do you?» \\ «Just point me in the right direction. I’ll find him. I’m good at that.» \\ «I’m probably the only Italian in the world who can’t sing.» \\ «My handwriting is so bad sometimes I think I should have been a doctor.» \\ «Do you have a pencil I could borrow?» \\ «I’m sorry to bother you, ma’am. I just wanted to ask you one more question.» — Any Old Port in a Storm (1973)

«Pencil?» \\ «You don’t have a match, do you?» \\ «Oh, there one thing I almost forgot. . . . It’s just one other thing that bothers me.» \\ «Every once in a while I think about getting a new coat, but there’s no rush on that, sir. There’s still a lot of wear left in this fella.» — Candidate for Crime (1973)

«Just one more thing.» \\ «One more thing.» \\ «Some people say I’m snoopy.» \\ «Oh, one other thing.» — Mind Over Mayhem (1974)

«I hate to bother you like this.» — A Friend in Deed (1974)

«Oh, there is one other thing.» \\ «May I borrow a pencil?» — An Exercise in Fatality (1974)

«I’ll tell you what bothers me about this.» \\ «There are a couple of things that bother me.» \\ «One more thing, sir.» — Negative Reaction (1974)

«I just want to ask one question.» — By Dawn’s Early Light (1974)

«I’ll keep on something until it is finished.» — Troubled Waters (1975)

«Oh, this is quite a place.» — Forgotten Lady (1975)

«I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t working.» — The Bye-Bye Sky High I.Q. Murder Case (1977)

«I like my job a lot.» — Try and Catch Me (1977)

«The two — trouble and murder — they seem to go together. At least that’s been my experience, sir.» — Murder Under Glass (1978)

«It’s just that I enjoy the pleasure of the game.» — How to Dial a Murder (1978)

«You know, Columbo, you’re almost likable in a shabby sort of way. Maybe it’s the way you come slouching in here with your shopworn bag of tricks. . . . The humility, the seeming absentmindedness. The homey anecdotes about the family, the wife. Yeah, Lieutenant Columbo, fumbling and bumbling along, but it’s always the jugular he’s after. And I imagine that more often than not, he’s successful.» \\ «You’re very lucky, Lieutenant. No, congratulations, you’re very smart.» – LESLIE WILLIAMS (LEE GRANT) Ransom for a Dead Man (1971)

«I’m beginning to like you.» − KEN FRANKLIN (JACK CASSIDY) Murder by the Book (1971)

«You are so transparent, Columbo . . . a compulsively suspicious bureaucrat. . Would you please do me a favor and stop pestering me.» − DALE KINGSTON (ROSS MARTIN) Suitable for Framing (1971)

«Lieutenant, anybody ever tell you you’re very much like an arachnid . . . a tick. They’re quite common but excessively tenacious. They hang on. They let go only under extreme prodding.» − ELLIOT MARKHAM (PATRICK O’NEAL) Blueprint for Murder (1972)

«You’re a great detective.» − ALEX BENEDICT (JOHN CASSAVETES) Etude in Black (1972)

«Columbo, you’re marvelous—transparent but marvelous.» – JARVIS GOODLAND (RAY MILLAND) The Greenhouse Jungle (1972)

«You’re priceless.» − NORA CHANDLER (ANNE BAXTER) Requiem for a Falling Star (1973)

«Believe me, if there’s anybody who could do anything about it, it’s going to be Lieutenant Columbo.» \\ «Lieutenant Columbo, you’re remarkable. You have intelligence. You have perception. You have tenacity. You’ve got everything but proof.» − DR. BARRY MAYFIELD (LEONARD NIMOY) A Stitch in Crime (1973)

«Lieutenant, you’re a pleasant enough man. You work hard. And I respect your motivations. But, please, stop this pretense.» – EMMET CLAYTON (LAURENCE HARVEY) The Most Dangerous Match (1973)

«You really are a very stubborn man.» − VIVECA SCOTT (VERA MILES) Lovely but Lethal (1973)

«Lieutenant, you really are one of a kind.» \\ «You’ve learned very well, Lieutenant.» − ADRIAN CARSINI (DONALD PLEASENCE) Any Old Port in a Storm (1973)

«You’re about as subtle as a train wreck.» \\ «If I didn’t find you an extraordinarily amusing fellow, I might even be offended.» \\ «You are an incredibly stubborn man.» – DR. BART KEPPLE (ROBERT CULP) Double Exposure (1973)

«I really do admire your enthusiasm. The force could use a hundred like you.» − MARK HALPERIN (RICHARD KILEY) A Friend in Deed (1974)

«You know something, Columbo? You’re a devious man.» \\ «I don’t care what you think. I don’t care what you suspect. I don’t care what visions you see when you look at your cigar ashes.» − MILO JANUS (ROBERT CONRAD) An Exercise in Fatality (1974)

«You’re like a little, shaggy-haired terrier—he’s got a grip on my trousers and he won’t let go.» \\ «Lieutenant, you’re priceless. You’re a gem. A little flawed and not too bright, but you’re one of a kind.» − PAUL GALESKO (DICK VAN DYKE) Negative Reaction (1974)

«I think you’re working too hard, Lieutenant. Everything is not a murder, you know.» – COLONEL LYLE C. RUMFORD (PATRICK MCGOOHAN) By Dawn’s Early Light (1974)

«You know, Lieutenant, you’re a marvelously deceptive man. You know the way you get to the point without ever getting to the point?» − DR. MARCUS COLLIER (GEORGE HAMILTON) A Deadly State of Mind (1975)

«I’m not what I appear to be, and then again, neither are you.» – THE GREAT SANTINI (JACK CASSIDY) Now You See Him (1976)

«Really, Lieutenant, really well done.» – WARD FOWLER (WILLIAM SHATNER) Fade in to Murder (1976)

«You say a thing when you’re ready to say it and not before.» − RUTH LYTTON (JOYCE VAN PATTEN) Old Fashioned Murder (1976)

«You’re a very able man, Lieutenant. I respect that. But I really don’t care for you very much.» − PAUL GERARD (LOUIS JOURDAN) Murder Under Glass (1978)

MECHANIC: Have you ever thought about getting a new car?
COLUMBO: I already have two cars. Of course, my wife drives nothing special. That’s just for transportation. You understand.
MECHANIC: I only work on foreign cars.
COLUMBO: It is a foreign car.
MECHANIC: Oh, I know, but there are limits, man.